By Peggy Sue McRae, Journal contributor
Last month, I attended a Death Café held at the Mullis Center. The purpose of a Death Café is to provide a safe place for people to talk about death without judgment or agendas. It’s not a grief group (although those are important too) but a way to explore all aspects of the inevitable phenomena that we each will at some time encounter, death of loved ones and eventually ourselves. Speaking about death may not be considered in general to be “polite conversation,” yet I agree with the Dalai Lama, who said, “Death will come sooner or later. If from the beginning your attitude is, ‘Yes, death is part of our lives,’ then it may be easier to face”.
About 30-some people attended the Death Café at the Mullis Center. The facilitator of the event introduced the concept of the Death Café and we gathered in small groups around tables. Our time was divided into two half-hour conversations with a break in between for tea and snacks. With respect for the privacy of attendees, I won’t mention names or specific stories, only to say topics ranged from personal challenges and fears to the legalities of burial at sea. A friendly atmosphere prevailed.
Based on the ideas of Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz, British Web designer Jon Underwood founded the Death Café movement as we encountered it. Crettaz started the prototype Café Mortels in Switzerland and France. Underwood, with the help of his mother, psychotherapist Sue Barsky-Reid, started the first Death Cafes in London in 2011. The idea took off and now Death Cafes following this model are being held in the US and as far as Australia or London. The movement first appeared in the United States, introduced by Lizzy Miles in Columbus, Ohio. Said Underwood, “We just want to create an environment where talking about death is natural and comfortable.” In a world where talk of death is generally taboo, the Death Café movement seems to have provided a welcome opening. “In my experience,” said Underwood, “when people talk about death and dying, all pretenses disappear. You see people’s authenticity and honesty among strangers.”
There are a few ground rules that keep things running smoothly. Meetings are confidential and not for profit. Participants must respect each other’s disparate beliefs and avoid proselytizing. There is no agenda, objective or theme. There is no intention of leading to any conclusion, product, or course of action. The only objective is to increase awareness of death with a view toward helping people make the most of their lives. And the snacks are important! Crettaz, the Swiss sociologist who started it all said, “nothing marks to the community of the living like sharing food and drink.”
The next Death Café in Friday Harbor will be held in October. My primary takeaways from the experience come down to this; for your own sake and for the sake of your loved ones get your advance directives filled out and signed, finally, and most importantly, cherish the day.
