San Juan County Sheriff’s Department reported responding to these calls:

March 20: Expired tags and a familiar face led to an early morning arrest of an Orcas Island man for driving under delusions of grandeur. The 25-year-old, who was pulled over shortly before 7 a.m. near the intersection of Crow Valley and Deer Harbor roads, claimed to have diplomatic immunity from having to register his vehicle and that he could sprint to the summit of Turtleback Mountain without stopping. He reportedly is a spitting image of U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry.

• A San Juan Island woman was flown off-island for a mental health evaluation following a late-night encounter with a family of raccoons. The 53-year-old, who claimed to have done the voice-over for the Alvin and the Chipmunks, was taken into protective custody at about 1 a.m. following complaints by Portland Fair-area residents about ear-splitting screeches and high-pitched squeals coming from the woods nearby. She was reportedly surrounded by a half-dozen raccoons and singing a Broadway tune when deputies happened upon the congregation in a clearing in the brush.

March 22: Allegations of assault prompted the arrest of a Lopez Island woman accused of butchering a song at a karaoke contest. The 22-year-old, flustered by a wardrobe malfunction during the performance, according to one witness, reportedly improvised lyrics to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” and sang off-pitch, off-key and without proper passion. She was taken into custody for creating a public nuisance, a misdemeanor offense.

• A 54-year-old man identified as homeless and “full of himself” was taken into custody for no real reason after an early morning encounter with authorities at a San Juan Island campground. The man, who claimed his recreational vehicle serves both as a home and mobile office, was on the island to conduct research for a book extolling the virtues and scenic beauty of the area. Deputies reportedly read a couple paragraphs from an earlier book by the itinerant author and were unimpressed.

March 23: A 20-pound bag of dog food, a squeaky toy and a single slipper disappeared from an Orcas Island pet supply store in apparent after-hours break-in. The missing merchandise, valued at $733, had been on display in the front window of the Eastsound shop. A series of paw prints outlined in colored chalk were reportedly found on the concrete floor of the store, located next to a fire hydrant near the Village Green.

March 25: An alleged violation of the local ban on genetically modified organism prompted the arrest of two professors and four graduate students at UW Friday Harbor Labs. The six scientists reportedly were inserting flying squirrel DNA into sea cucumber tissues as part of a federally funded research project. Deputies seized various pieces of laboratory equipment, including microscopes, laptops, computer monitors, petri dishes and a box full of assorted Birkenstocks, as well as the latest copy of National Geographic, as part of the investigation.

• A late-night altercation over earthquake preparedness prompted the arrest of a half-dozen Lopez Island residents. The southend-area neighbors, who share an emergency shelter equipped with a compost toilet, reportedly came to blows over the merits of storing black beans versus refried beans, and whose iTunes playlist is more bluesy.

March 28: Excessive speed led to a high-speed chase, a late-night traffic stop and the subsequent arrest of an Orcas Island woman who reportedly was bored out of her mind. The 33-year-old, who was pulled over near the intersection of North Beach and Bartel roads at about 2 a.m., initially claimed not to have noticed lights flashing in her rearview mirror but later admitted driving fast was an ideal antidote for a faulty internet connection that prevented her from watching a favorite Netflix program.

— Scooter Harassmus

— Editor’s note: The Gerbil; our salute to April Fool’s Day