By Francie Hansen

Journal contributor

Talking to a few plumbers gave a whole new meaning to the term “sh*it-eating grin.” If you are not careful with your dentures, put them on a shelf above the toilet; or you are a bit sleepy when you get up in the middle of the night, accidents can happen. One plumber had to “yard-train” the toilet; an auger would chew up the teeth. He solved the problem by putting the toilet on wood, elevating it, and getting a hose … and voila(!), the porcelain dentures appeared. (We won’t discuss dental hygiene in this article, or the whereabouts of those teeth and the gentleman.)

“Many customers call and say, ‘This shouldn’t take you too long,’ my plumber expert said. “Everyone tells you how to do your job, or they are frantic. And I say again, ‘Don’t you worry, Lady, I’ll handle it. Thank God, it’s only water.’”

“Then I start putting on my many hats. Will I be a marriage counselor, discuss local or national politics, or debate the cost of fuel? My truck is always filled with a variety of parts. I’ve got to cover all the bases because what they tell me isn’t ever remotely close to what the problem is or what’s needed.”

Another plumber no longer has his own rig laden with extra parts. He walked into my interview asking the other plumber for a Sawzall blade, a drop-eared 90, a half-inch elbow, two pairs of knee pads, a pecs tool and a pecs cut valve. And he told me that he sometimes needs a shower arm, a bowl auger or a snake.

I was fascinated by the images these body-part plumbing needs conjured up. And how thorough and Johnny-on-the-spot a plumber needs to be. He has to solve the problem at hand, which is never straightforward. Pipes are installed backward; condo bathrooms in neighboring units sometimes have connected vent pipes up on the roof, or were not connected properly when the building was constructed.

Licensed plumbers are messengers of the state. They feel a duty to conduct health and safety work with the public. Cross-contamination is a very important and serious issue and responsibility. Wastewater and potable water must never be in the same pipe. Hose bibs, anti-siphon devices, air gaps in the dishwasher … there’s a whole science I got to learn about and respect!

Both men told me their jobs are recession-proof. Houses are always being built. There are always leaks and other issues. They ask their clients a lot of questions. Do kids play in the bathroom? What is on your shelves above the toilet? The plumbers mentioned squeeze toys, ping pong balls, little cars and jeeps, a bottle of peroxide, a large carrot, hot dogs and cottage cheese. If the snake doesn’t accomplish the exit, the toilet must be pulled (a messy job at best!) and all surfaces cleaned. They were both careful to suggest putting a tarp, blanket or towel down to catch any water spills, the shop vac to catch any extra matter. They know that if corners are cut, they’ll be back.

One of the plumbers told me that when he took his licensing test in 1993, there were 100 guys and six women in the room. Let’s open the door more widely to even things out!

My takeaway: Be kind, pay your bill, be gracious and accept that they are professionals. They really want to do a good job.