In a galaxy far, far away… | Editorial

By Dennis Box

Guest editor

I noticed one of the top 10 stories from 2015 was the discovery of a dinosaur bone on Sucia Island.

The Burke Museum, where the bone is currently lounging, noted in a release it is the left thigh bone from a theropod, a two legged, meateating ruffian like Tyrannosaurus rex. Otherwise, this was no vegan hoofer. The museum also pointed out the bone was about 80 million years old. I was all zippy to read that, finally the science guys found something older than me.

The story did fire a few synapses, which kind of hurt. I imagined one day in a far off galaxy a scrubbed paleontologists with multiple ears will be examining a bag of twisted bones in his laboratory. The ear guy will likely have found the bones while visiting Earth and strolling on Loony Island. After a bunch of months looking through itty-bitty reading glasses, the many ear-lobes guy will come out and authoritatively tell a room of other guys with lots of ears, “These are the bones of a newspaper editor.”

Beings with spiky-pink hair and horn-rims will look at each other and ask, “A what? Is it human?”

“Probably not,” the scientist with excellent posture will tell them. “Although we are not sure what he really was. It appears from his thumb and forefinger he was an incessant whiner with no hair.” (This planet has bad science).

One of the spiky-pinks will ask, “What did he do for fun?”

“As far as we can tell nothing. He apparently drank large amounts of a buttermilk. No one is sure what the stuff is or why anyone would consume it. We theorize he used it to try to grow head hair. (These scientists will also have crazy theorems that can’t be right, like our scientists spinning stories about evolution or global warming… hmmfff).

Mr. Ears continues, “Amazingly this buttermilk stuff apparently preserved this near humanoid for some 80 million years. Maybe it was used to preserve him for the study of devolved goofballs. We suspect he squinted at something a lot, maybe one of those things known as computer screens. Computers were very common at that time. Humans actually believed they worked. We are not sure why.

“We cannot really find much use for this editor other than aggravating real humans. He apparently spent time observing political races,which we think may have caused his extinction, or he was run over by a iceberg.”

I think I will take a trip to Burke Museum and check out the dinosaur and spend some time wondering what the heck he was doing on Sucia Island. Probably looking for a snack, or a nice cool glass of buttermilk.