The many faces of grief
Published 1:30 am Thursday, November 20, 2025
This little island community of ours has faced a number of losses. Over the last couple of years, we have had to say goodbye to friends, family, leaders and loved ones.
“In a tight-knit community like ours, grief can affect many, and it can trigger grief from past losses,” Clinical social worker and therapist Barbara Starr shared with me.
The broad definition of grief, Starr explained, is a physical and emotional response to loss. One can grieve the loss of a marriage or relationship, a job, a home, as well as the loss of a loved one.
There are five stages to grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Not everyone grieves the same, Starr emphasised, so she said those stages may not be linear. Some may go back and forth between them, and some stages may be skipped altogether.
Everyone grieves for different lengths of time as well. Hospice of the San Juans’ Mariluz Villa pointed out. One year is often mentioned as the standard in the medical world, Villa said, but one does not simply stop grieving their loved one just because 12 months is up. The sharp pain of grief typically dulls over time. Years or even decades later, however, something may trigger memories, causing tears to spring forth. Villa calls this grief ambush, and it is nothing to be embarrassed about, even if it occurs at the most inconvenient time.
“Grieving can go on for a long time,” Starr explained. “Processing grief means that you are able to move forward in life, function day to day and feel joy. We don’t forget, but we learn to integrate the loss into our lives so that we can continue to move forward.”
Gathering with loved ones can help, so can walks, journaling, engaging in a type of ceremony like lighting a candle or eating a favorite food, or writing the person a letter, which later can be burned. Starr recommends against too much isolation, though some may feel the need to hole up. Balance is key, with self-care at the center. Self-care is crucial during the grieving process, not overdoing sugar or alcohol, as those may lead to other issues, but keeping tabs on what your spirit and body want and need.
Starr discussed complicated grieving, which in simple terms means a person isn’t processing the loss well. That can take the form of not wanting to discuss the loved one at all, avoiding things that may remind them of their loved one, or the opposite, not being able to think of anything but the person. If it becomes debilitating, where the person is unable to move forward with their life, it is complicated grieving.
Should someone decide they need or want help processing, churches are a great resource, Villa said. Priests, ministers and vicars are all trained to help those suffering from grief.
Support groups are extremely helpful, Starr said. Talking to people who have gone through and are going through the same experience can be validating.
Starr gave the example of someone who had a miscarriage being invited to a baby shower. In that case, someone not having had that experience might say, “Oh great, you should go,” whereas the support group, those having had that experience, would relate to the complicated emotions the invitation might bring up and might say, “I’m so sorry.”
Hospice of San Juan offers professionally facilitated grief support and education groups that are open to all and at no charge, thanks to a partnership between Hospice of San Juan, PeaceHealth Peace Island Medical Center and the Community Foundation. For information, call 360-472-0322, and a hospice volunteer will return your call.
Both the San Juan County Department of Health and Human Services and the Joyce L. Sobel Family Resource Center can connect folks to a variety of resources. The Family Resource Center has a list of books that could be helpful on the website, too, like “The Wild Edge of Sorrow,” by Francis Weller, “Grief, One Day at a Time,” by Alan D. Wolfelt and “Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief,” by Martha Whitmore Hickman.
Starr pointed out that a majority of people in therapy and attending support groups are there not because they were in crisis, but because they wanted to feel better and move forward with their lives.
Because the grief process is not one size fits all, let’s be sure to give one another the grace and space to grieve. I encourage us all to check in with one another as well. Hold each other close and be vulnerable enough to reach out to our support networks if needed.
Love to all.
